Alucard

[Shin-sama]

Alucard || Orion || Grimsley

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Just tell me what you think I'm supposed to do
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June 12th, 2011

Radu, if you find this and read it, it is not a diary. It is a manly journal. I've never kept one before. At least not in this time period. But I have experience writing these kinds of things. While I was still in Romania, I used to write memoirs, but those are all probably lost to time.

I figured I should do something in my free time. Doing things keeps me active I suppose..and I can write how I truly feel and what I'm thinking. I wish I could talk to my friends the way I plan to write in this journal. I have so many secrets, and for some of them, its safer not to say anything, to anyone. But I also feel guilty, because keeping secrets from people is almost like lying. I have to keep reassuring myself that its better that they don't know. One day, however, I know I will have to say something. And that will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do.

Alucard

JACK from caution 2.0 made this gorgeous template. He worked hard, so leave the credit on, b#$%.

[Shin-sama]

I am colorblind; coffee black && egg white
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June 15th, 2011

They both died in a fire. When I contemplate the similarities between this life and my past one, its frightening. In both, I lost my parents, was abused, lived in a different home, became a rebel and led revolutions, joined the ranks of the undead, and lost the women I loved in a fire. And sometimes I wonder..why does history repeat itself? Especially a history as cruel as mine?

I almost regret becoming a vampire again. Both times it had been my decision..the first time out of anguish and the second time out of love. But thinking back on everything that has happened, it would have been easier to die than to live with this constant misery. I try hard everyday to live with it, but its hard and I find that I'm retreating further and further into that unreachable place deep down inside me. In this situation I am really grateful for my brother..he tries so hard to make me happy..

I hate lying to him too. I do it because I don't need him to constantly worry and stress about me; I don't want my unhappiness to rub off on him and ruin his and Tiffany's happiness. Not when they both really deserve it. Maybe one day I'll be able to feel that way again. There's still a little hope left in this hopelessness.

Alucard

JACK from caution 2.0 made this gorgeous template. He worked hard, so leave the credit on, b#$%.

[Shin-sama]

So tell me, are you lonely?
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June 23rd, 2011

I've started training with Tyler. What he's doing is great, and I appreciate it, but something seems off. The only reason he gave me for these training sessions is that it would strengthen my abilities. But why? Every time I bring it up, he cleverly changes the subject.

Is there some alternate reason? I have a feeling Tyler may be hiding something. And its not just Tyler. Nurse Flock also rouses my suspicion. There has to be some reason as to why she called all of us to her office.

But I really don't know. Perhaps I'm becoming delusional again? I haven't been feeling too well lately. Anyways, I can't accuse neither of them, because they haven't done anything, and I have no proof. I will have to pay close attention from now on.

Alucard

JACK from caution 2.0 made this gorgeous template. He worked hard, so leave the credit on, b#$%.

[Shin-sama]

Love's the funeral of hearts
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November 25th, 2011

I have not written in my journal for a long time. So much has happened since my last entry.

If I haven't realized it before, I realize now that something is really wrong with me. Something that, I have a sneaking suspicion, happened shortly after the Fathom fiasco. The person I was reincarnated to be has awakened in the back of my mind. He is something similar to an alternate personality, which is part of the Multiple Personality Disorder I've acquired. Vlad is always relentlessly trying to surface, and I do all I can to keep him down. If he surfaces, everything I've worked so hard to keep secret will be shattered.

I'm thankful that I'm not alone. Rosalie, my faithful familiar, helps when she is needed, so her assistance lessens the daily burden. It is still difficult, though. Vlad is like a bad conscience, whispering things, tempting me to do things I'd rather not do. He says I'm weak, and a coward, and that I should let him do the things that I can't. Like hell. Its just not going to happen.

Not when I am just hanging off the edge of a thread called 'happiness'. Yes. I do feel small shreds of happiness, deep down inside. I can credit Robin for that. She is very understanding and kind. She is the kind of person, besides Radu, that I can really talk to. Despite myself, and the state of grieving I've been in, I feel that Robin is someone I can trust. Someone I could..be close to. I never thought I could feel this way about another person again, after losing Raven. I didn't plan to..its very different this time.

Though Robin has a gift, she is still a human.

I find that I'm always having to watch myself when I'm around her. Like at the Masquerade Dance. Vlad was right when he said I was weak. Weak in the physical sense. The inescapable fact about vampire life is that to survive, we must drink blood. I have not taken any for the past month and a half. While normal food staves the craving, its still there. My problem is that I desire its rejuvenating and nourishing effects, but I don't have the heart to take it from innocent people. Therefore, in addition to keeping Vlad under control, I must also keep myself under control. I need to be careful, but I know that the thirst always wins. I need to find a source; the quicker, the better.

That aside, I am failing miserably as a student. My low grades are only the results of my personal decisions to handle unfinished business beyond the campus. Radu is suspicious of my continuous comings and goings. That is natural, and I appreciate his effort to keep tabs on me, because I would probably do the same to him. Nonetheless, he doesn't need to know what it is I'm doing. Every other week, I leave for a few days and go back to Nevada. Mostly, I go to check on my grandmother; I am reassured in the fact that she's doing well. The other reason is..I'm looking for my father. All I know is that he somehow escaped from prison.

It is important that I find him. I need to talk to him about some of the things Mr. Talbot mentioned in his letter.

Alucard

JACK from caution 2.0 made this gorgeous template. He worked hard, so leave the credit on, b#$%.